Below are some of the best Tounge Twisters:
In English/Hindi/Punjabi Languages.

Add you favourite in any language you love
so a book of Tounge Twisters can be created
in this forum with your help.
________________________

Tongue Twisters

1. Shoe Section, Shoe Section, Shoe Section

2. Red lorry Yellow lorry.

3. Upper roller, lower roller.

4. LORRY RALLY LORRY RALLY LORRY RALLY.

5. Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

6. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.

7. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

8. Six thick thistle sticks. Six thick thistles stick.

9. Twelve twins twirled twelve twigs.

10. Betty bought butter, but the butter was bitter,
so Betty bought butter to better bitter butter.

11. Kaccha papad, pakka papad.

12. Na uthan uncha na pith unchi, pith uthan k unchi.

13. Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.

14. Khadak Singh ke khadakane se khadakati hain khidkiyan,
khidkiyon ke khadakane se khadakata hai Khadak Singh.

15. Chandu ke chacha ne chandu ki chachi ko chandni-chowk
mein chaandi ki chammach se chatni chackaee.

16. Jo hase ga wo fase ga., Jo fase ga wo hase ga.

17. Samajh samajh ke samajh ko samjho., Samajh samajh ke samajh ko
samajhna hi samajh hai., Jo samajh ko samajh kar bhi na samajhe, Voh....kya hai? Nasamajh hai.

18. Tola ram tala tol ke tel mein tul gaya , tula hua tola tale ke tale
hue tel mein tala gaya.

19. Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans.
Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow,
Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?

20. I wish you were a fish in my dish.

21. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see.
And all he could see was sea, sea, sea

22. Jiss talle k chabbi, uss chabbi ka talla.

23. Kutio kutio kutay karday. Kaoon kaon kay kion.
Kadee kadee kaon kaon karkay kurian kolon khay kahy
langday. (Punjabi).

Top Tounge Twisters

While visiting India, George Bush is invited
to tea with Sh. Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is.
He says that, it is to surround himself with
intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says
Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,

"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs
up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.

I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides
he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says,
"Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about
it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators,
and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally,
in desperation, Rice calls

Colin Powell and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House,
finds George Bush, and exclaims,

"I know the answer, sir! I know
who it is!

It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong,




it's Manmohan Singh!"

Bush "Intelligent" ???

One evening, a boy was talking to his grandmother
about current events.

The boy asked his grandmother what she thought
about the shootings at schools, the computer age,
and just things in general.

Grandma replied,

"Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

Television.

Penicillin.

Polio Shots.

Frozen Foods.

Xerox Machines.

Contact Lenses.

Frisbees.

The Pill.

There were no:

Credit Cards.

Laser Beams.

Ball-point Pens

Man had not invented:

Panthouse.

Air Conditioners.

Dishwashers.

Clothes Dryers -

And man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first,
and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me,
"Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen
and every man with a title "Sir."

We were before gay rights, computer dating, dual careers,
day care centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments,
good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right
and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for
our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this
country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along
with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the
evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, VCRs, CDs, electric typewriters, computers, I-pods, DVDs, cell-phones, yogurt,
or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the
President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains
out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it
was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on
your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy
things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and
a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your
nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600... But who
could afford one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

"grass" was mowed.

"coke" was a cold drink.

"pot" was something your mother cooked in and

"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office

"chip" meant a piece of wood

"hardware" was found in a hardware store and

"software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe
that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say
there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am ?"

Grandma would be only 58 years old.

How old is Grandma

Cool meanings



Cigarette:



A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.



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Love affairs:



Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.



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Marriage:



It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master



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Divorce:



Future tense of marriage



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Lecture:



An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.



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Conference:



The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.



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Compromise:



The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.



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Tears:



The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .



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Dictionary:



A place where divorce comes before marriage.



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Conference Room:



A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.



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Ecstasy:



A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.



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Classic:



A book which people praise, but do not read.



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Smile:



A curve that can set a lot of things straight.



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Office:



A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.



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Yawn:



The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.



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Etc:



A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.



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Committee:



Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.



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Experience:



The name men give to their mistakes.



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Atom Bomb:



An invention to end all inventions.



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Philosopher:



A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.



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Diplomat:



A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.



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Opportunist:



A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.



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Optimist:



A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.



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Pessimist:



A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY



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Miser:



A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.



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Father:



A banker provided by nature.



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Criminal:



A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.



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Boss:



Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.



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Politician:



One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.



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Doctor:



A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.




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Cool meanings

A man woke up the one morning feeling horny,
and asked his girlfriend for a shag, but she said
she wasn't in the mood.


So he got up, got dressed, and went downstairs and
cooked breakfast for them both. He ate his, and then
took hers up to the bedroom so she could have breakfast
in bed.


He was still feeling horny, and so, after she'd finished her
breakfast, he asked again for a shag. She said she was
still not in the mood.


So he decided to go out to the newsagent and buy that
day's newspaper. When he got back he found her still
in bed, but with her arms and legs tied up to the bedpost.


So, thinking that she'd changed her mind, and fancied
some bondage fun, he got undressed again, and proceeded
to climb into bed for some action.


She asked him what did he think he was doing, and he told
her that as she was tied up, he thought she'd changed her mind.


She said "You daft bastard! - While you were out We were robbed!"

Early morning

Want to propose a girl
Just do it - Nike



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Before going to propose to a girl
Believe in the best - BPL.




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If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl
Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo -




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If you are going to propose to a girl
Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.




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If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
Take it easy - Limca.




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Girl says NO !
Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.




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Those who succeed in love always say
We dream because we do - Daewoo.




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If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend
Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.




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If you love someone
Go get it - Visa power.




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Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl
Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.




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Not satisfied with your date
Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.




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A guy having a number of girl friends
The Complete Man - Raymonds.




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A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.




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For those lost in love
Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.




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For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one
Dhoondte rehe jayo GE - Surf Excel

love life and Advt

Maternity leave would last two years... With full pay.



There would be a cure for stretch marks.



Natural childbirth would become obsolete.



Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.



All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.



Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.



Men would be eager to talk about commitment.



They wouldn't think twins were so cute.



Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM



Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.



Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.



They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.



Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.



Women would rule the world!!

If Men got Pregnant

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit
the ball into the woods. She went into the woods
to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the
frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she
wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied,

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman
and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the
most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish,
she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest
man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than
you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine
is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest
woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.
"
"
"
"
"
"The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think
they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only
goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all
the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

Women are great ( read till end)

WHEN THE BOY WAS RETURNING AFTER HIS MARRIAGE...HE FOUND HIS WIFE HOLDING A SMALL PACKET;

THE BOY ASKED........WHATS THERE IN THAT PACKET..

WIFE REPLIED.....DARLING THIS IS THE SECRET OF MY LIFE...PLS NEVER OPEN IT OR ASK ME ABOUT IT FURTHER....OTHERWISE OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE IN TROUBLE...............................................................................

THE COUPLE SPENT THEIR DAYS HAPPILY......BUT THE BOY WAS VERY KEEN TO KNOW WHAT WAS THERE IN THAT SMALL PACKET......

AFTER SOME DAYS THE BOY AGAIN TOLD......DARLING AFTER MARRYING YOU , I GOT THE WOMAN OF MY DREAM...BUT TELL ME WHAT THAT PACKET IS.......IT WLL NEVER AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP.....AS I LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE....................BUT WIFE ONLY TOLD THAT I ALSO LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE....THATS WHY TELLING U NOT TO ASK ABOUT THAT..........

AFTER SOME D AYS WIFE WENT TO HER OWN HOUSE AND FORGOT TO TAKE HER PACKET.........THEN THE BOY COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF....AND OPENED THAT PACKET.................................!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE WAS SHOCKED TO OPEN THAT........THERE WAS 30 RUPEES......AND 2 WHEAT GRAINS....IN THAT PACKET......THE BOY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS...AND HOW IT COULD AFFECT THEIR MARRIAGE LIFE.........

THEN WHEN HIS WIFE RETURNED .....HE BURST INTO LAUGHTER.....AND TOLD...DARLING WHAT IS THIS......AND HOW IT COULD HAVE AFFECTED OUR RELATIONSHIP........WHATEVER MAY BE......U HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE SECRET...

THE WIFE REPLIED...........................

THAT'S NOT GOOD...................ANY WAY.......IF U HAVE ALREADY FINALISED TO KNOW THESECRET .....HERE IT.....................

BEFORE MARRIAGE ..EACH TIME I MADE LOVE WITH ANY GUY...I PUT A WHEAT GRAIN IN THAT PACKET TO REALISE THAT I HAVE DONE A MISTAKE....... ......

THE BOY SAW THOSE TWO WHEAT GRAINS....AND AFTER WAITING FOR TWO MINUTES TOLD................ ITS OK......EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKE .......

I STILL LOVE U BECAUSE U TOLD ME THE TRUTH........ BUT WHAT IS THAT 30 RUPEES.................................... ....THE BOY FAINTED WHEN THE WIFE REPLIED.........................

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_

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_

_


_

_

_

WIFE SAID......THAT'S THE PRICE OF 1 KG WHEAT I SOLD JUST BEFORE MARRIAGE!!!!!!

Secret behind Rs 30....

1. What is height of Fashion?



A. Dhoti with a zip .




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2. What is height of Secrecy?



A. Offering blank visiting cards.




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3. What is height of Active laziness?



A. Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.




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4. What is height of Craziness?



A. Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.




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5. What is height of Forgetfulness?



A. Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.




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6. What is height of Stupidity?



A. A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.



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7. What is height of Honesty?



A. A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.




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8. What is height of Suicide?



A. A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.




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9. What is height of De-hydration?



A. A cow giving milk powder.

Modern Heights

Death has always been a mystery to us. Is it just a
terminal point or a gateway, we’ll never know.
However I can tell you tell you about some intellectually
challenged people who found some really wicked
ways of crossing the barrier.

Kiss: Li Po was a great Chinese poet and even far
greater was his thirst for alcohol. One very sloshed
night, the great poet was boat-cruising down a river,
when he stumbled upon the reflection of moon on the
water. Mesmerized and awestruck he tried to kiss the
moon, fell overboard and died.


Job Appointment: Italian poet Severino Ferrari was
confined to an asylum when he got the news of his
appointment at University of Bologna as the professor
of literature. Ferrari was so stunned that he dropped dead.


Snooker Shot: Mr. Raymond Priestley was playing a
normal game of snooker with his friend, in his garage
in Melbourne. Attempting to play a trick shot, he climbed
on the crossbeam and hanged himself upside down by
his legs. He lost his balance and fell headfirst on the
concrete floor. He died later with brain damage.


Cleanliness: on August 23, 1903, Pat Burke of St. Louis
Montana took his first bath in 20 years. It killed him.


Beard: Mr. Hans Steininger was known for his long beard.
Well, one day in September 1567, while climbing a staircase
leading to the council chamber of Brunn, he stepped on his
beard, lost his balance, fell down and died.


Hot Tub: May 1979, the LaRoya couple from Simi Valley,
California, set out for a backyard party. They seized their
drinks, laid down the spa, perfectly set the water at 110F
and fell asleep, never to wake up again. They died with
a mix of hyperthermia, alcohol poisoning and heart disease.


Low Blow: Harry Houdini is probably the most famous
escape artist world has ever known. In 1926, while in
his dressing room, he was unexpectedly attacked by
a student. The young man struck two or three unexpected
slugs in his stomach. Houdini died later from peritonitis.


Fly: In 1159 Pope Adrian IV, after a roaring speech
against Emperor Frederick I, went to take a drink form
a fountain. While drinking, he half swallowed a fly and
gagged to death.


Goat Hair: A Roman praetor, Fabius, chocked to death
because of a single goat hair in his milk.


Laughter: A Greek stoic philosopher, Chrysippus,
went into an outburst of laughter while watching his
drunken donkey attempt to eat figs.

Top 10 Reasons of Death

An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she's
ever cheated on him.

"I love you," she says, "but I must confess.
I've been unfaithful to you three times."

"What?" yells the man. "When?"

"The first time was when we were denied a
mortgage," she explains. "I went to see the banker,
and I persuaded him to give us the loan."

"The second time you were ill and we had no
insurance to cover the medical bills," she says.
"I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free."

"And what about the third time?" the husband demands.

"Remember when you ran for mayor,"
the wife begins, "and you were behind by
"
"
"
"
"
"
"

300 votes ?"

Confession by Lady

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.



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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.



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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.



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The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.



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I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.



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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.



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The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.



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I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.



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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Funny Thoughts On Exercise

Women are always Clever


Women have always Clever answer



Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."


Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

******

Women are always Clever

Commandment 1: Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
***********
Commandment 2: If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
***********
Commandment 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
***********
Commandment 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
***********
Commandment 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
***********
Commandment 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
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Commandment 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
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Commandment 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
***********
Commandment 9: Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
***********
Commandment 10: A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
***********
Bonus Commandment ( Story ): A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"It really works!
"SMILE, IT'S TAX FREE!

10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE!

Facts under lined



Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.




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To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.




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The road to success??.. Is always under construction.




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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.




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In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.




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All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.




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Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.




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Everyone has a scheme of getting rich.. Which never works.




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If at first you don't succeed.. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.




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You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.




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Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.




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42.7% of all statisticsare made on the spot.




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If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? If you have both, no one calls.




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If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.




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You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.




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After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.




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The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.




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Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker




*********

Facts under lined

Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

Golf

ARE YOU OVER 50?


Subject: PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, " Did I wake you ????"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Forward this to every one you can remember

*******

ARE YOU OVER 50?

Kiss and Slap


A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.


After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.


Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.


The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."


The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"


The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"


The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"

Kiss and Slap

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an
all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders
some coffee. After sitting there for a while,
he yells to the waiter,

"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy,
I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

"Now, think about it seriously, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second,
shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Ultimate Blonde joke